It should have been a great family event. Unfortunately, I woke up feeling completely out of sorts. I've had several anxiety attacks recently. I could feel the tension and agitation building. My heart was racing. My palms were sweating. I feel like I'm grasping at my last bit of control. My husband could see it in my face.
Instead of working together on the canning project, Cris took the kids out to play and have lunch out. I stayed home to work on the stew. This is EXACTLY what I needed!
I don't fully understand mental illness (even my own), but the topic has been on my mind this week. A son of a teaching colleague did commit suicide last week. I didn't even know how to talk to her. I hurt for her and her family and the loss they feel. I also hurt for the son and fully understand the overwhelming frustration and hopelessness that comes with mental illness.
I suppose I could have felt anger and frustration with my husband for not helping me with the canning, but that's not what I felt at all. I was relieved when he left with the kids, knowing I wouldn't be lashing out at the people I love the most.
Staying home, preparing nutritious meals for my family is a way I show to them. Scrubbing and chopping potatoes may seem repetitive and mundane, but it's also a great opportunity to think and sort things in my mind and breathe...
I am not extremely experienced when it comes to canning. I helped my mom with jellies when I was a kid. I helped my sister with stew more recently. Last summer, my friend came over and walked me through the pressure-canning process so I could do it on my own. (I was petrified to do any of it on my own before she jumped in!) I'm still re-reading the instructions before every step in the process. I even make a few phone calls to my parents or friend to verify some of the steps. I know I take longer to complete this than I should, but today I need a long task to keep me busy.
It's pretty satisfying to see the piles of chopped potatoes, carrots, and celery. The colors are beautiful, and I'm reminded of God's provision for us- the flavors and variety, and I feel blessed. I'm reminded of old hymns we sang in church when I was little- about God's bounty. It's a fleeting memory and I can't quite remember the words- only a phrase or two. It's enough. My tension is beginning to ease.
I pull out the sterilized jars. I can't provide healthy meals by starting with dirty ones. The heat kills any bacteria and provides a safe place to store our food. I ask God's forgiveness for my worry and anxiety, for my attempts to handle things on my own. He's shown me so many times his provision for me and for my family. Several of these came to mind today, and I thanked him again for those times. I asked that he cleanse me from the worry I take on, the doubt that returns and overwhelms me.
Nehemiah 6:9 says, "They were all trying to frighten us, thinking "their hands will get too weak for the work and it will not be completed.' But I prayed 'Now strengthen my hands.'" This may be an odd verse to remember, but Nehemiah was a recent focus of a sermon series at church. This verse really hit home for me in lieu of my fears and anxiety.
I carefully fill the jars, add hot water, and remove all the bubbles. I cap 7 quarts and 7 pints- the most I can process at one time with the large and small cookers. I find there is more stew than I have room for processing (so stew for supper!) I'm so glad God fills us to overflowing- with love, with peace, and with joy (and food, home, family, friends, a very understanding husband...). My God really does "supply all of our needs, according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus!" (Philippians 4:19)
I made it through again. With God's (and my husband's) help, this wave of anxiety did not overtake me. I've been able to love my family with my stew preparations and with a renewed spirit of peace and patience for handling the normal family interactions.
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